In my last post I gave you three things you can do to repair holes in your identity:
· Start including people and thus make a “zone of belonging”
· Take the risk of relationships
· Wash your mind, soul and spirit with Scripture
You have taken the risk of relationship and it turned out just as badly as before—you still got a pick slip, the “friend” you thought was trustworthy betrayed you and you were still passed over, were not seen. Now you are beating up on yourself for trusting, thinking this time will be different, for being so gullible.
There is more going on here than gullibility—there are some powerful laws of God in operation. To learn how to make the laws work for you rather than against you, try taking these two actions, but be forewarned—they require time and commitment.
The Root of the problem is most often the angry, bitter responses to hurtful events and attitudes when you were growing up that become habitual. When we are hurt we tend to want to hurt back, or withdraw and cut off relationship but still smolder inside. We give ourselves a good talking to, do battle with feeling stupid and thinking we should have known better! We put up protective walls and promise ourselves we will never do that again.
When hurt happens repeatedly we learn to expect that life hurts and that you have to be cautious and careful. And then we grow up and forget about the hurtful events and the decisions and declarations we made. Old hurts seal over like an abscess, but the infection is still there. Years later a new situation arises with similar characteristics and the old hurt starts to leak and affect the new relationship, but you were tentative about relationships anyway, right? No one tells us that when we do these things that we set absolute laws that work every time in motion. Those laws of nature keep that same kind of hurt coming our way!
I don’t know why we didn’t see it before. With the laws of physics and gravity and propulsion we can send the robot Curiosity to Mars. Those same absolute laws work in relationships. What’s the difference between “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction” and “Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” (Luke 6:38) So if we radiate caution and lack of trust the laws of nature tell us that we can expect people to respond in kind!
If you have a pattern of loosing jobs, friends turning on you or being invisible—what is the root of it? The details vary from person to person, but the reason it keeps happening is that somewhere along the way that law was tripped into action. Sometimes people on their own can track back to where it started, but this is where an inner healing counselor can be a great help! And that is the first of the two more things you can do to repair old problems and build new habits and expectations.
When there is a pattern—when the same kind of thing keeps repeating such as abuse, abandonment or betrayal, unfaithfulness—there is usually an old wound that is causing you problems. Find a counselor who is aligned with Jesus and faithful to His ways who can help you track it down. I suggest you follow the pattern to its source, but you don’t need to dig up the entire back yard of your life looking for every “root of bitterness” that might possibly be there! See Hebrews 12:15. Once you tend to the raw area, go about your life; as you bump into another wound, anger, resentment, receive healing for it. Don’t take the attitude that you must “have it all together” before you can take your place in God’s Special Forces. You can serve Him while in process. Embrace your high sensitivity, with your burden bearing capacity as a lifestyle. Engage the struggle to change where God shows you change is needed. Take the risks of relationships, develop the disciplines He assigns you, and deal with the inner healing needs as they present themselves.
Once the causes of the problems are removed, you need to build new habits and expectations that will hold the truth. You do that by finding new faces!
Find New FacesThe final thing you can do to repair your identity is much harder, but worth the effort. Find some new faces to look at! Not just any face will do. What you see reflected in the new faces needs to align with the picture you see in Scripture. The face must also radiate the message, “I am happy to be with you, regardless of how you feel.” If a new face does not align with Scripture or does not appear to be happy to be with you, move on—and do not feel bad about it! The Lord’s will for you is to bloom, not wilt and fade away. You need to have your deficit of truth about yourself met, which means you need to be included—you need to belong.
You will find some faces that meet these criteria, but for a variety of reasons, may not be able to consistently meet your needs. Explore the likelihood of their ability to be consistent. Some people have a workload, family responsibilities, and the like that make it unlikely that they would be able to be consistent. They may be willing, but right now, it would be better for them not to take on another relationship. It is very important to spend time exploring such issues with an individual who “holds promise.” You do not need or want to be in a situation where you expect to be consistently included, applauded, but are not. Another alternative is to negotiate and talk about expectations and come to an agreement ahead of time. Then when something “blows up,” you can go back and look at your expectations. If there is a commitment to the relationship and to you, your friendship will survive.God designed family to teach you who you are. If what you learned in your family was an untrue or unstable picture of yourself, allow God to create a new “group” who can teach you the truth about yourself. God wants to scoop you up and envelop you in the kind of hug that hugs your insides as well as your outside—that puts belonging in your spirit and emotions. Yes, you need to see God’s truth about you reflected in faces you can physically see, but do not stop there—look higher. Look into Jesus’ face, and into His eyes. Believe what you see there. It is the Truth!
To implement these suggestions for identity repair, I suggest the following…
- Purchase The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity and Highly Sensitive. You can get some help by yourself and/or with a friend while you are searching for a counselor
· For help in finding a counselor familiar with inner healing—go to my website: www.fromgodsheart.com. Click on “links.” That will get you launched.
· Contact me with questions. I’m always happy to help.
Please let me know how the process goes with you so I can pray with and for you!