Depression Is The Pits

I keep thinking I am done talking about the symptoms of MS and then the Lord suggests something else…depression—which is a hazard for most chronic conditions.

 

Depression in my case was not directly caused by MS—it has nothing to do physically with the de-myelination of the nerves that are directly responsible for mood. In my situation it was a kind of secondary problem—it had everything to do with the chemical imbalance of my body from pushing too far by will power and made worse by my emotional response to circumstances over which I had no control.

 

After “the event” your body no longer functions as it once did. You suddenly find yourself unable to do things you did with ease, hardly a second thought. For me it was simple housekeeping things like:

 

•  dusting and taking care of house plants
• picking up around the house (bending over is not advised because of loss of balance which could lead to a fall, a torn up knee or broken bone)
• doing floors
• menu planning and cooking
• bed making
• gardening

Because the body won’t put out anymore, you can’t prepare or deliver lessons or keep up with the students youthful bodies—there goes your career.

 

With the lack of mobility your body starts looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy. Who, what am I now? What value or worth do I have? Every single referent that I looked to to tell me who I was was gone in a matter of a few weeks. Life as I knew it was over. What’s not to be depressed about?

 

You have to give up your independence (the car keys) so you can’t take yourself to even see a friend or go to a church meeting for spiritual and emotional nurture. You can no longer meet your own needs. Frustrating beyond words.

 

The avenues of nurture dry up. Any movement requires excessive amounts of energy. Motivation? Forget about it—it is non existent. The body chemistry goes out of whack and depression creeps in...but you are unaware.

 

Add to that the high sensitivity which you cannot turn off so you still sense people’s pain around you--and life becomes very difficult to bear. The retirement benefits of Heaven start to look really good.

 

The first time I was consciously aware that I was depressed, I remember standing at the sink feeling this bone grinding exhaustion while washing and preparing vegetables for dinner. I was planning for the care of our two children after I died.

 

I was not going to commit suicide but I was not going to fight death when it came. I could sense my spirit was almost gone. I knew when it went my body would soon shut down so with what little I had I wanted to make sure my kids would be loved and cared for. That was before I knew I was battling MS.

 

The Lord intervened twice, picked me up and carried me out of that desperate place. He fought for me. I could see the tunnel I was in. I knew there was no light in it this side of heaven. That was my reality.  I was emotionally flat. Without God’s direct intervention I don’t think I would be here to tell you this.

 

For a time I was on anti-depressants to take the edge off and to stabilize the body chemistry. Doctors can be one of those resources we are to use when needed.

 

 

The second time depression visited my house was after the second attack. I knew the attack was spiritually motivated so I did fight but I had so little endurance…so little motivation… But again Jesus fought for me and in the places of greatest darkness He revealed Himself. When God does that things change.

 

I want you to know that strong people become depressed; especially when they give and give until there is nothing left to give and then by the sheer force of will, they give beyond their design capacity. That throws the body chemistry out of whack.

 

I also want you to know that depression creeps in incrementally so you don’t notice it coming. It is usually someone else who points it out and I hope they do it gently.

 

If you reach out to Jesus in the darkness He will answer and begin to slowly turn on the lights, but slowly so your eyes will not hurt. Then He will begin to teach you about Himself, slowly because the brain doesn’t work real fast anymore. He knows you and will meet you in a way that is appropriate for you.

 

I am so thankful for the story of Elijah in I Kings chapter 18-l9. After he defeated the prophets of Baal, Elijah outran the chariots coming down the mountain—he was bookin’ it! He expended everything he had—all his energy spiritually, emotionally and physically. There was nothing left, so when Jezebel started hunting for him to kill him he ran for his life and hid—and asked God to let him die.

 

I totally get that. But look at God’s response. He didn’t get mad at him, make demands of him or shame him. He didn’t call him names. He sent angels to feed him; gave him water and let him sleep. After he had rested for a couple days and nights God told him to start walking—just put one foot in front of the other. This took him 40 days. When Elijah arrived at Mount Horeb the Lord met him.

 

Again, the Lord did not yell at him or tell him he didn’t have enough faith; he didn’t tell him to buck up. He did point out that there were 7,000 who had not bowed the knee to Baal; He let Elijah know he was not the only one. That was how he felt, in a way He acknowledged Elijah's feelings, but there was no other correction. God agreed with Elijah's evaluation that Israel was in sin and gave instructions for who would come alongside to help. God did not want him to fight this battle alone. He doesn’t want you to be alone either. I encourage you to let God pick people to send to you, and don’t turn them away.

 

A Possible Next Step: Eat some healthy food. Sleep. Do a little mindless exercise (walk around the block or take a  short bike ride) and then slowly start to rebuild joy.

 

Blessings,Carol                                                                             Author of The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity and Highly Sensitive                      www.fromgodsheart.com                                                               www.joystarters.com

Dealing...one day at a time

Myrrh plant - Photo courtesy of Google Images
 

It dawned on me that I had not posted here lately. Two reasons: First, I have been consumed with starting this new project on joy, (which I love!) setting up a new website to go with it: www.joystarters.com, gathering materials in preparation for a big "write in" for the book we will write about "Joy Starters" and making decisions to bring www.fromgodsheart.com to a different server. And secondly, it is abundantly clear that I have energy limitations due to the fact that MS has been an unwelcome squatter in my life.

 

I've been encouraged to be candid about living with MS. I have this to say about that: MS SUCKS! There I said it. It's true. MS has taken away nearly everything that told me who I am and that gave me a sense of worth, value and belonging. It has wrecked havoc on my self image and sorely pressed my faith.

 

 At times I could hear Job's wife screaming at me to curse God and die. For some reason that I do not understand I could not do that. I turned and looked at that screaming demon through my brain fog and sloth-like I slowly thought, "Why would I do that? It doesn't make sense." Like Peter, I thought, "To whom and where would I go if I broke relationship? There is no other place to go for me." I could not wrap my mind around living without Jesus in my life. So I turned to Him with everything and pounded His chest; I shouted, cried and asked my questions, told Him how unfair it was and questioned His motives. Then I went logical and pointed out that He was shotting Himself in the foot because after all He poured into me I would be unable to do what He had gifted and prepared me to do. But it didn't change anything. Not His love for me and not my condition.

 

Let me just stay with the faith part of it...we can come back to the other issues in later blogs. One time in that first year I had one of those times when you don't know if you dreamed or if it was a vision or what. Everything was so foggy. That's what brain damage does to you. You sleep a lot; that's how your brain recovers. So was I sleeping in the day time and had a dream or was it a vision? I don't know. But what I saw was Jesus and me inside a clay jar (must have been a big one!) and we had been wrestling. At the moment we were both resting after a round, my feet up against the side He was leaning on and His feet on the wall that I was leaning against; our clothes stuck to our bodies from sweat; it was pouring down our faces. He is bigger than me, but that did not stop me! I guess I was like Jacob who wrestled with God, but unlike Jacob I don't remember getting any promise out of Him.

 

A couple days earlier someone had given me a song about myrrh and how it's fragrance is released only when it is crushed. As we were catching our breath I told the Lord that unlike myrrh, crushing me only made a stink. He smiled at me and there was so much love and understanding in that smile that it undid me! I get teary eyed just thinking about it. Without words He communicated, "of course it would smell that way because your senses were not yet fully redeemed!" But that look of love in His eyes...somehow I knew that I would be unable to understand even if He explained it to me. Understanding something of that magnitude is beyond my human design capabilities. I didn't like that answer but my spirit knew that He was right. Now some 17+ years later I know that I don't have the capacity physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually to process all that happened to me so it sits on a shelf I labeled "mystery" and as He grows my capacity we will process one aspect after another.

 

What do you do with a God like that? Who let's you beat on Him, yell at Him and question His motives and still hold onto you with such love? Akkk it just unwinds every over tight spring in my body! My response was to just love Him back...with however much capacity I had.

If you have a chronic condition or an "incurable disease," how has it affected your faith and how did you handle your diagnosis?

Blessings, Carol Brown
Author of The Mystery of Spiritual Sensitivity and Highly Sensitive
www.fromgodsheart.com
www.joystarters.com
Work in Progrss -- Joy Starters

Thankfulness for the hard things?

We are entering a season of thanksgiving. There are some who have very little to give thanks for...yet Scripture says to give thanks FOR everything. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

Seriously? Yes, seriously--even when there are no feelings to match the words. We don't have the perspective that God does, but as we ask to see from His point of view we will find our attitude changes. For those times we can see His fingerprints in the events our lives we can give thanks. That will sensitize our spirit to see even more evidence of God at work in our lives.

When MS took away my life as I knew it--career, voice, vision...you name it, it was lost to me. At first I was numb, then angry at God. He could have prevented it; so why didn't He? I soon learned that anger used up what little strength I did have so I moved on to grieving over the losses. I can't remember the exact track I took, but I moved through all the stages of grief--the bargaining, the attempts at acceptance, etc.

And then, after years of holding onto "God is good regardless of how it looks," it happened. I saw not only the MS, but all the other hard places in life from His point of view and all I could say was "Thank you!" He knows the good stuff that He built into you. He also knows what it will take for you and me to dig deep enough to find those good things that will result in a sense of fulfillment.

So here are just a few of the things I am grateful for: (in no special order)

• That I am no longer in the classroom - I loved it when the "aha" happened and I saw understanding in the eyes of a student. I don't see that very often these days. But...the blessing is that I don't have to get up early or correct papers! Nor deal with difficult parents and their difficult children or speak English by 8:00 a.m. I do not have to cope with the indocrinazation of philosophies I do not agree with or teach concepts that I am opposed to. Nor deal with the politics that go on in educational circles.

• That I am housebound - We no longer need to have two cars! The blessing is that I have a husband who is happy to be with me regardless. With the internet and telephone I am able to keep in touch with friends all over the world! And my social needs are quite easily and simply met.

• I am grateful for MS - God showed me that what I thought was being sidelined was in actuality a promotion--my classroom has been greatly expanded. I have time to write the things that God shares with me. I love to receive emails from people who have read my books and found them life changing. The more I let go of the old "me," the more I can embrace the new that the Lord keeps bringing. Hard things strip away all the stuff of life that we surround ourselves with that keep us from seeing that He still delights in you and me. that blew my mind. The stripping away creates space for us to feel the worth and belonging that He gives.

Give thanks, even for the hard things in life. It changes the focus away from the problem onto the solution. It calms the restless thoughts and raging emotions so that we can see the He has pulled us out of destruction and anointed (set us apart) for accomplishing good things--good for us personally and good for others. Author Sheldon Vanauken called such an event a "severe mercy!" I would have to agree.

What hard place has the Lord walked you through? What about that experience can you give thanks? For those of you still in the hard spot, I pray that He will clear away the barriers so that you can feel his comforting presence and see what it is that you are thankful for!

Blessings, Carol Brown
www.fromgodsheart.com

Camel Hair Shirt

           I don’t know about you, but camel hair shirts really give me a rash!  Maybe I’m allergic to camel hair. I hadn’t even realised I was wearing one until one day my writing partner suggested several radical measures to take on the piece I was writing. She was absolutely right, but after the call I carried on like the camel from which my shirt was made! I bellowed my objections that the load was too heavy. The way was too long. I moaned and groaned. I whined and carried on!

Just as my lament was reaching its crescendo, the Lord stood before me. He didn’t raise His voice. There was no sarcasm in His tone. He just stood there as Commander in Chief, as Lord. And He said, “You said you wanted to learn everything I have to teach you.” The truth of His words took my breath away. In the spirit I saw myself fall to my knees. I was undone by my own words. He was right. Absolutely right!   

When I first awakened after the initial long sleep of MS many people wanted to pray for my healing. I let them. When I was not healed right away, another round of caring folk suggested first this healer and then another. I went to hear some of them, but always had to leave before much of anything happened. I don’t know why healing can’t happen in the church before 9:00 or 10:00 p.m. 

There was always this hesitancy in me . . . a kind of knowing that the Lord was going to use the MS somehow for His glory and my benefit. That doesn’t make sense, I know, but God’s logic is quite different from ours and His values turn ours on end. I didn’t understand either—still don’t. But I told someone that I wanted to “milk” this experience of the disease for all it was worth. I was not in a hurry to receive my healing because I wanted to learn everything God had to teach me during this time. I did not want to do another lap around Sinai.

As the Lord repeated my own words to me, they hit with such a force I stopped mid-whine. The way He brought my own words back to me did something inside me. The whine was gone. All I could say was, “Yes, Lord.” I felt complaining was over and done—that I could rub on liniment when arduous work made me sore, but not complain? Never again!.

That was when I realised that underneath the robe of righteousness the Lord had given me was a camel hair shirt. I asked the Him “Why the shirt? I can’t get it off.” He explained that He provided the resources I would need when I accepted His calling. I was incredulous! “I need this hot, smelly, irritating undershirt!?” He didn’t respond to the question, just kept talking. “Every calling has its task(s). You are to engage the tasks, but as you do, the tasks will work on you, building and shaping you into the fullness of the character of Christ. The work and disciplines of your calling are the camel hair shirt. The things in and about that calling which poke and irritate the flesh, these are my gift to you.

I stood there with my mouth hanging open. If I understood Him correctly, writing and the rigours of MS are my “shirt” and if I am to learn all the Lord has to teach me, I will submit to those disciplines. I guess once a camel, always a camel. Sad to say, once the initial shock wore off, I have since then skated quite close to the edge of complaining. Like Rudyard Kipling”s camel, I have “humphed”.

I find I move into the flesh in ways I was unaware of. The work, or the people with whom I live and work, poke and jab and my flesh is irritatingly brought to light—sometimes raw from the chaffing, like an untended saddle sore. I am thinking,  probably all flesh is allergic to camel hair.

I am aware that I have a choice at this point. I can choose to forgive and heal, bring flesh to death in relationship to others and the Lord. I can submit to the disciplines of my calling, or I can moan and groan and carry on like a camel. I am finding that as I do the nasty work of bringing flesh to death, the camel hairs irritate less. The disciplines, the parameters of my calling—even the people with whom I work struggle against or struggle because they are not available—all become the banks through which my spirit flows. They define my limits and boundaries; but they are not barriers to restrict or hem me in. Rather, they give direction and purpose to my life. They become the avenues through which others are blessed—to God’s glory and my benefit.

I am finding that when I begin to overheat it usually is not the camel hair shirt causing the problem. I tend to overheat when I move too quickly. I can’t seem to sprint down the lane set before me like an Olympic athlete—too much friction from my shirt. The hairs poke my flesh reminding me to not move that way. They encourage me to proceed at His pace, to stand straighter and walk taller, more like our Lord. That irritating gift keeps me on task—it helps me remember what it is I am doing and why.When I tire and collapse in a heap; when my shoulders melt down into my hips, my body doesn’t fit the shirt properly and the goofy thing starts poking.  When I lean into the flesh the camel hairs encourage me to straighten up, to move and walk in the ways of the Lord. But until I learn to submit to it, this darned camel hair shirt is going to keep on giving me a rash!